Earlier today, I had my IM status/away message up and it read:
Wow, so much makes sense now. Now I see why the same people who thought I wasn’t successful with women have so much trouble holding a relationship!
The reason for this message should be apparent to anybody who has known me for any length of time recently or who has read my previous blog post here:
http://gaugeyagee.wordpress.com/2006/12/05/living-well-vs-revenge/
Basically, I don’t like criticism or advice from people who are not qualified to give it. Would you listen to advice on staying fit from an obese person? There are certain people who, in my single days, thought I failed with women. Why they thought this, I don’t know for certain. There were certainly long periods of time where I didn’t have any girlfriends or flings, but that was because I would not stay in a failed relationship very long after I realized it was going nowhere. Before my wife, my longest relationship lasted just shy of one year.
More recently, certain people have said I lack social skills. And though any strangers out there reading this blog may agree (yeah, I complain, gripe, and vent on here mostly), pretty much anybody who knows me in person knows this is not the case.
It seems to me that these two criticisms go hand-in-hand. I don’t have “game”, therefore I was single a bit, therefore (supposedly) I lack relationship skills/experience and fail at conversation. The two criticisms also go hand-in-hand in that being able to be social and get people to like you (physically or otherwise) is largely irrelevant in finding/maintaining a successful relationship. Actually, that ability can be detrimental. If someone is easily able to win over and bed many other people, they may begin to think that the wrong things matter as far as a successful long term relationship goes.
One person I know said that the away message came across as extremely passive-aggressive and, in their own words, made me seem like a dick. This was a bit of a surprise to me, but I am going to attempt to explain a bit as to the “why” I post status messages like that here.
It got me thinking a lot today and I realized that I really, really enjoy vindication. If someone makes a criticism of me that I know is not well-founded, I relish proving them wrong. It may be a comment in passing, or it may be my intuition telling me that a certain person is likely to think something about me, but I will set out to prove that wrong too. In this case, it’s people thinking that I do not have relationship/people experience or skills. Everyone who makes this assessment of me, and I mean every single one, is still dating around looking for the wrong things. Therefore, I do not think they are qualified to assess me in that way. Every year that passes with my wife and I together is further proof that “Yeah, maybe Greg does know what he’s talking about with relationships and assessing people.”
The status messages I post are a product of this vindication. It’s modern-day venting. When I post messages like this on Facebook, it usually starts a discussion. Today was the first time someone told me I come across as an ass when I post messages like that. Although I don’t want to come across this way, I also do not want to 2nd-guess myself every time I am about to post something just to ask myself if it will offend someone. The discussions, opinions, views and insights I have received by putting stuff like that out there far outweigh any criticisms I might receive for doing so.
April 15, 2009 at 11:59 pm |
The way I see it, the only people who are offended are those who are able to see their mistakes, but aren’t able to accept responsibility.
By the way, you have no social skills
April 16, 2009 at 8:34 am |
(From another conversation): I guess I shouldn’t care, but at least I’m turning it into something positive, a motivator. I mostly just wanted to clear the air and let people know my reasons for the status messages that can apparently come off as extremely anti-social, passive-aggressive, or just plain dickish.
But really, why should I take the high road? If someone thinks, says or even insinuates something disparaging about me that I can prove wrong, why should I let that stand unchecked? I shouldn’t, and I won’t.
April 16, 2009 at 10:37 am |
Vindication is indeed damn fun.
My longest relationship before my (now 17-year) relationship with Carolyn? 4 months. And I wanted out halfway into that. Besides that? About 1 month.
And yea. Second guessing oneself isn’t worth it. Life’s too short.
Here’s your post as a “flap” (assuming you watched the Flutter video I posted):
GREG GET VINDICATION
April 16, 2009 at 9:40 pm |
“But really, why should I take the high road? If someone thinks, says or even insinuates something disparaging about me that I can prove wrong, why should I let that stand unchecked? I shouldn’t, and I won’t.”
I guess this is a matter of temperament. My view is that I don’t want to spend the incredible amount of energy it takes to feel upset and angry about someone else’s dumbass opinion. And I don’t really worry that they will influence my other friends against me. If their opinion is dumb, it should be fairly self-evident. Also, I pretty much subscribe to the view that responding to crank criticism only makes it look like you yourself give it credence.
None of which is to lecture you. Like I said, I think it’s about temperament. Reacting to negativity makes me feel bad and like I’m wallowing in it – perhaps it makes you feel good instead, and gives you closure. If so, more power to you!
April 17, 2009 at 1:19 pm |
“I pretty much subscribe to the view that responding to crank criticism only makes it look like you yourself give it credence.”
Interesting. That violates my thought that “a message should be judged by its content, and not its protocol”. I.E. just because someone’s yelling, acting crazy, or merely acting defensive, that it should not be counted against them; that’s a superficial way of viewing things that some people unfortunately describe to. “He who yells first lost the debate” is absolutely false to me.
April 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm |
^^ i meant “subscribe”, not “describe”.